Travel Blog 13; SE Asia Worst & Best Part 1

I left Asia today. Well actually I left it yesterday but due to yesterday being a day of minivans, buses, aeroplanes and layovers it all went by in such a haze that it feels like it was part of today. Plus I haven’t slept and am writing this here piece from Terminal 3 of Perth International.

You don’t need anybody to tell you that SE Asia is a gem worth uncovering, probably because these days so many 18-100 year olds (and maybe beyond) have done it that there isn’t much left to actually uncover but still do so! During my 3 month trip I spent time in Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore, Cambodia, Indonesia and Laos. Just to get the basics out of the way; barely anybody in any of these countries knows any Kung Fu/Muay Thai/Shaolin Soccer/has Jedi powers, the levels of English in all except Singapore are not a fraction as advanced as you may be lead to believe but you can still get by, food and booze are mostly cheap, the first time you use the ‘Bum-Gun’ is an unforgettable experience and if a bus ride is advertised as 3 hours long its best to assume its actually 6. Oh and they’re getting taller, seriously they really are.

So I’ve landed in Perth and I’m waiting for my flight to Adelaide (the lay-over is around 11 hours!). I’ve left Asia with an extension on the old gut, an impressive array of Mosquito bites that if you join together with dots almost spell the word ‘Dengue’, a valiant but ultimately un-earth-shattering sun tan and a t-shirt or singlet advertising a beer brand from each country; that’s Chang, Tiger (both Malaysia and Singapore as Malaysia don’t have any!), Cambodia Beer, Bintang and Beer Lao for those keeping score.

Although I’m quite literally buzzing like the aforementioned Mosquitos for Australia I will miss the cheapness of Asia, how easy it is to make snap decisions, how you can remedy the rudeness of the locals by just being rude back because they cant understand you anyway and how despite the way that most barely tip the scales at 5,4 most of the women have such phenomenal legs! Seriously its f*cking crazy!

Everybody’s travel experience is going to be different and by writing that I’ve just rattled off another traveller clique, still working on the dreads and the beard and the love I have for my morning shower hasn’t quite waned enough for me to give it up entirely just yet folks. However with that said I’m going to quickly get the Negative Nigel s*ite out of the way and then move onto what were my personal favourite things/activities in and about the countries I touched down in.

Here we go; Thais cant speak any English by and large, their obsession with their King seems sweet at first but is bizarre, overbearing, perverse and borderline unhealthy; they call him ‘Dad’, think he still lives in the ground and the water (you know, like a God), had magical powers and you can go to jail for 15 years for saying otherwise. You know less time than you get for Rape or Manslaughter. Also the traffic is a nightmare.

Malaysians have an incredible penchant for rudeness, will intentionally give you false directions, have WAY more of an incline to scam you than any other country listed (only one that I legitimately got done over in actually!), the men have a thing for spitting and the women have a thing for cracking their knuckles, they refuse to serve you anything on their menus that they cant nuke in 2 minutes but then serve it to someone who looks more like they do minutes later after telling you ‘No have’ and pretend they cant understand you when your asking them to be helpful.

Singaporeans live in a far more expensive place than the other countries listed but still take the same lackadaisical approach to customer service; Me and a friend were charged the full rate for a hostel that was only actually half finished (like getting a donut with a bite taken out of it) and when I handed my money over to a barman he disappeared with it for over 30 minutes before I had to physically stop him (as he ignored me several times) at which point he informed me, with a smile no less, that he ‘forgot’. Wouldn’t have been quite so hard to swallow if the bed wasn’t $40 and the drink almost $20; both are amounts that I’m currently willing to do things you wouldn’t normally do in order to possess by the way.

Cambodians; I really don’t have much negative to say about. They’re mostly polite, have a good sense of humour and they look phenomenal. I guess if I had to I’d say the touting (that’s lingo for ‘Tuk-Tuk! Tuk-Tuk! and ‘Cheap Price! Cheap Price!’ by the way) can get a little long in the tooth but ultimately they’re just trying to make a living and when the coffee stand owners at Angkor Watt are telling me their names are David Beckham, Mike Tyson and Darth Vader I cant help but smile.

Similar thing with Indonesia to be honest. In fact out of all the countries I had the pleasure to visit I’d say the people of Indonesia were my favourite, especially in Java. Although I did lose a perfectly good debit card to a perfectly sinister ATM whilst on Gilli T this could have happened anywhere. I guess at a push I could say that the touting folk of Bali can get a little sinister, though one did return our bike key to us that we’d dropped nearby earlier in the day and didn’t ask for anything in return. Speaking of bikes though; the roads are insane, like Gus off Breaking Bad insane.

As for Laos? Again, the language barrier is insane but frankly I didn’t even no the meaning of the word poverty or undeveloped until I touched down in this country so I feel like that needs to be kept in mind and the locals are largely pretty sweet. There is touting but not as much as Cambodia or Bali and I got particularly p*ssed off when I almost missed my flight out of Vientiane because when I asked the guy at the hostel to book my taxi for 11am he basically just…didn’t. Despite saying that he would and despite it being a 2 minute job that you can do whilst sitting down he simply didn’t. I’m basically saying the people aren’t exactly the most efficient and most of the hostels look like halfway houses and their still working on soap. So when I checked into my first hostel hoping to catch some winks the only thing I was actually in danger of catching was Pink Eye.

Okay so that’s the worst bits out of the way. To be honest they’re probably all part of the experience anyway and now we can get onto the fun stuff. Part 2 is coming later today so keep it locked!

I’m Tha Bozz and that’s my opinion.

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