To anyone viewing this outside the United Kingdom or to anyone unfamiliar with British politics what your about to read will probably seem like the set-up of a bad joke and in a sense it kind of is but I assure you it’s not in the way you would probably think. Our prime minister, Mr David Cameron, has recently fallen victim to an allegation that whilst attending Oxford University and as part of an initiation ceremony involving him and his fellow blue-blooded, whiter than white friends he inserted his d*ck into the mouth of a dead pig’s head. All I can say is I hope to God that pig was sterilised and well compensated after the fiasco and that DC got into that club because as students me and my friends were lucky to be able to afford pork chops let alone an entire head and something about that man makes me believe he had to fork out for the thing. He just seems like the kind of guy that had to flash cash to get gash if you get my drift, a kind of extreme version of petting to be popular.
Although I have my opinions of Mr Cameron and shockingly enough as a male in his mid-twenties that earns under twenty K a year there not exactly gleaming, I care little for the story itself. Although it’s pretty damn hilarious and I can’t wait to read or hear whatever Frankie Boyle has undoubtedly cooked up in response to the subject my concern lies more with why it’s at the forefront of our mainstream news in the first place.
The reason for such concern stems from the fact, which was bought to my attention by somebody far more talented and intelligent than I; that it was the Daily M/Fail that was the first newspaper to bring this news to light. Now, I’m not trying to say that I think the M/Fail are a bunch of dirty, irresponsible, trash-journalism loving bigot’s that tell lies to sell copies of their barely-toilet-roll-worthy ‘newspaper’, actually that’s exactly what I’m trying to saying, but they generally do it with a bias towards the Tories; the party that Mr Cameron is head of for those keeping score. As a result, it seemed a little strange that they were so eager to push this news down our throats, I’m not even going to go there with a comparison, that is until a few other events and realisations came to light.
The first and perhaps most obvious of these being the reason for this rather hammy, pun intended, allegation coming to light and its sauce, something about BBQ or sweet & sour will suffice. The subject of Cameron’s business with the bacon was brought to light in a book entitled Call Me Dave by Lord Ashcroft. His mother didn’t think he looked like a ‘Lord’ when he came out of her by the way but the title makes him sound more appropriately Sith-like but regardless he has been one of the Tories biggest financial supporters. Lordy claims in the book that he had bank-rolled Dave’s campaign with over 8 million big-ones and that despite Dave knowing full well that Lordy was a tax-dodging zealot, very much like his equally dishonest father, he took the cake and ate it anyway in exchange for offering Lordy a ‘significant’ role in the party should he emerge victorious. Surely the big issue that everybody should be ranting over isn’t that Mr Cameron fancies pigs, we’ve already seen his wife (BURN!), but that he took a bribe and bought his parties success on the basis of smuggling somebody into a position of power. A position that affects the entire country and everybody in it! Now, don’t get me wrong I’m not naïve enough to not realise that this happens all the time but the fact that people are more concerned with d*cks and pigs heads than the announcement of such corruption is startling and the exact reaction that the M/Fail would have been looking for in order to divert attention from the real issue.
The second and probably more concerning thing involves what will be taking place this November. One of a few good things to come out of the last Tory-Lib Dem coalition, you know the one that the Lib-Dems got into by f*cking over all the students a few years ago, was the Universal Infant Free School Meals (UIFSM) programme that was started in 2014. This programme entitled all school children aged between four and seven years old to one hot meal at school a day. Despite the obvious sense this scheme makes and due to our Chancellor, Mr George Osbourne, and his backers having a perspective on the real world that’s about as clean and clear as a snakes belly in a swamp there are plans to scrap it at the November Spending Review. Not only is Not-So ‘Gorgeous’ George being billed as the Tories next frontman when Cameron heads for the hills but this week the Lib-Dems are currently having their party conference in Bournemouth where they will no doubt be looking to bring up the matter. Whilst the rest of the British public are busy logging onto Sickipedia and telling their friends about how when asked about Fools and Horses Cameron said he’s always been a fan of the Trotters this issue will fly blissfully under the radar.
The point is that whether he meant to or not all the Dark Lord has accomplished in his memoirs is creating a pig-shit storm for his rival’s party to thrust into the headlines of one of their biggest media backers. All the while diverting attention away from the scrapping of yet another programme designed to help those with the splinters of the wooden rather than the silver spoon that they were born with in their mouths. The same programme that they swore in their 2015 manifesto that they would be keeping, so by the way their liars as well. Whilst also allowing said backers to focus so strongly on the cock-o-mouth part of the accusation that the truly sinister side of it goes largely unnoticed. You know I sometimes daydream about a time where this country will be free of such loathsome b*stards and start to wonder if it might be once there all dead. I’m then swiftly reminded that even the Cameron’s of this world have successors…
I’m Tha Bozz and that’s my opinion.