I’m sure that almost every person reading this and almost every person in the UK with a television set and/or internet access will be at least mildly familiar with the name Tulisa Contostavlos, or simply Tulisa. Starting out as a member of the now defunct hip hop trio N-Dubz, Tulisa has recently launched a solo career and has made waves in the last two seasons of ‘reality’ (see what I did their?) talent show The X Factor. Unlike many of her detractors I am not about to discuss her controversial, but actually rather tame sex tape that serviced in March of this year. I watched it; I wasn’t turned on by it so I clicked the ‘X’ and kept it moving. We’ve all done stupid things in our youth and unfortunately a few of us have even been filmed doing them.
I instead have a minor quibble with the title of her debut album, a phrase that she has also felt the need to have inked onto her forearm. I’m sure when she hits sixty and her arms start resembling pillows with cake mix inside them that this feature will look particularly attractive. The phrase I am talking about is of course ‘The Female Boss’ a nickname that I not only find to be a little over-bearing and big headed but also completely undeserving.
Now don’t get me wrong in the grand scheme of things Tulisa has been very successful, and she’s clearly crowned herself with the title in order to gain a following with the ‘strong independent women’ audience but the title itself poses one problem, Tulisa is not actually a boss. The last time I checked the word ‘boss’ refers to a person that works for themselves and this is where the problem lies.
Tulisa’s biggest sources of income at the moment I would wager are her music career and her spot on the judging panel of the X Factor. The X Factor crashed onto our TV screens for the first time on the 4th September 2004 and was of course created by high-jean wearing zillionaire Simon Cowell, not Camden born N-Dubber Tulisa Contostavlos. So when this show first aired Tulisa would have probably had her hair gelled back, had a face like an overused dart board and would have been around the same height that her cousin and fellow N-Dubz original Dappy is now. The point I am trying to make is that while her fee for working for the Cowell Empire is likely cold enough to make the room temperature in a six-by-nine sauna decrease it is indeed the Cowell Empire and she is anything but self-employed.
The same applies to her music career. Back in 2007 when N-Dubz really began to pick up momentum, you know before we found out that the most talented member is also a knife carrying cyber bully, they were signed to Polydor Records. After leaving Polydor the group jumped ship to All Around the World Records and released their debut and sophomore albums. They later signed to Def Jam to release the third and final album of their, well actually not that significant at all career. Again I am fairly sure that Tulisa does not own Polydor or All Around the World Records. While I’ve watched enough episodes of ‘Run’s House’ to know that for the bulk of its history Def Jam was owned by a Mr Russell Simmons, later moving onto Sean Carter and the current president is Joie Manda. Sorry Tuls’ but all the plaques and awards in the world can’t change the fact that you were far from the Organ Grinder at any of these establishments. Even as the ‘Lickle Rinsers Crew’, the groups oh-so-unfortunately titled original incarnation they were signed to LRC, meaning that the boss title can’t even be related to her humble beginnings.
In its purest sense the title/nickname ‘The Female Boss’ is in my eyes only half right. Yes Tulisa, you most certainly are a female and not a person in the world with control of all their mental faculties will dispute you on that one. Indeed you likely have more money in your sock right now than I have in my bank account but make no mistake a ‘boss’ you are not as those notes all came from somebody else. Fifty per cent doesn’t cut the mustard in my eyes and clearly it doesn’t in a lot of others as first week sales of ‘The Female Boss’ came in at an underwhelming 35 on the official charts with the reviews being even more defaming in nature.
In conclusion I do not hate Tulisa, in fact I wouldn’t go as far as saying that I even have a dislike for her. She is simply a consistent in my life, like that one roommate you had in Uni halls living above you whose name you never even got to know because you only ever spoke to him when you were drunk. However I do find the way she flaunts that god awful tattoo at the start of every X Factor show and other public appearance quite irritating, especially because the statement itself is about as relevant as her acting career.